Posts tagged self-confidence
Maintaining Self-Confidence in the Modeling Industry
Vanessa Rebello

I met Vanessa on a photoshoot in Portugal. She was beautiful and appeared self-confident.

We quickly exchanged our Instagrams profiles. As I scrolled through her page, I noticed that she was writing long captions about strength, self-confidence and gratitude.

I asked her what led her to this mindset. Because no matter how stunning you look, it is difficult to maintain a high self-confidence in the modeling industry, where your worth is mainly based on your appearance and you face lots of rejections.

Here’s our interview:

You Don’t See the World as it Is, You See the World as You Are
— Vanessa, Model & Psychologist

1. Vanessa, you are a Model and Psychologist. What is your perspective on beauty?

“For me, beauty has much more to do with the inside, with how you truly feel about yourself. I mean, if I don’t love who I am, how can I expect others to? I believe that we are beings of energy, so we can be absolutely stunning on the outside (though there’s no such thing as universal beauty), but if we have a bad attitude, if we don’t believe in ourselves, if we don’t have confidence, if we aren’t positive, that’s how we will appear to others.

2. How do you define self-Love?

If you asked me what my beauty secret was, I would say: Self-Love, because without that, we can’t go anywhere, or at least we can’t go anywhere and be happy. For me beauty is all about that: in order to love others, we have to love ourselves first, and by loving ourselves, we are teaching others how they should treat us.


3. You talk a lot about gratitude. How did you find your inner peace?

Since I was born, my parents worked a lot, and had to find me an (almost) full time nanny. To make up for the lack of time for taking care of me, they made the mistake that a lot of parents do: Gave me everything. I say that it was a mistake because I didn’t have the chance to learn how to fight for things, I had absolutely everything I wanted and I didn’t learn how to take a “No” for an answer. That type of behavior led me to grow up as an ungrateful person, I used to take everything for granted.

I never judged my parents for not being with me 24/7 because I knew that they really had to work for me and my brother to have a better life, and nowadays, we have a lot of time together. I changed a few years ago and turned into a grateful person, grateful for everything I had, I can’t tell you exactly when or why I started to switch my perception of reality. I guess I just matured … 

4. How do you use social media?

Social media is not all about beautiful pictures, beautiful plates of food and tumblr quotes that mostly don’t even fit the person who’s posting them … I use my social media for much more than that!

First of all, absolutely everything I post it’s from my heart, it’s not a cute quote that I find somewhere and that is socially cool to write. When I write a quote, from anywhere, it’s because I truly believe in those words. I try everyday to pass on to my followers the way I see and live life, the way I see people, the way I believe the world can be a better place.

I just want to free people from hatred. Do you realize what a game changer this would be if people hated less and loved more, especially themselves? I meet too many people more worried about criticizing others and letting them down, than empowering them. The thing is they do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their own character.


5. Who were you before starting modeling? How did you feel?
I had a few friends, never liked to go out much, slept early and always dreamed to be a model. I felt happy but knew something was missing, I always knew what my passion was and I always knew that someday I would run after it and then when I turned 18 I did … and here I am.

6. What led you into this business?
My passion. It’s all about it. It’s all about how it makes me feel, how my blood races every time I’m working.

I can tell you a true story that happened to me almost 3 years ago and gave me the absolutely certainty that I had to go after my dream at all costs: I have only had 2 boyfriends: the first one was my first love back when I was a kid, we all know how it feels. But with the second one, we stayed together for almost 8 years and when it was over, I saw my life falling apart, I could barely breath, sleep or eat, I just cried non stop. I was feeling this inexplicable pain, I looked into my eyes and prayed for God to stop this. How could it hurt me so much since it wasn't even physical? One night, I remember looking at the window and thinking how easy would it be to end that pain. And the next day, I had this one modeling job and was crying at home and telling my best friend I didn’t want to go. I ended up going and guess what? While I was shooting, my pain just went away. I didn’t feel anything except how blessed I was for being able to live my dream job.

That was what literally made me feel alive. That’s the day I decided I’d do anything in my power to relive that.

7. Tell me about the number 8 and its meaning to you.
The number 8 is the bad luck number of me and my family. I once had a sister (I wasn’t born yet so I didn’t know her) who got really sick and died a few days later on the 8th. My brother and mum both got cancer and knew about it on the 8th. I had an uncle that had cancer too and died on the 8th. And my father had 2 accidents and both of them were on the 8th.

So, neither of us make important decisions, go on long trips, nor make doctor appointments or anything important on an “8th”.

Is it a coincidence? I really don’t think so … 

8. Which specific moment or event has been a turning point for you to decide to be more grateful, strong and positive like you are now?

Like I said, I don’t know exactly when I became more grateful, but I can tell you when I started loving myself and when I achieved complete self-love, because those were 2 different stages for me.

I started loving myself when my last relationship was over and I hit the bottom.

I hit the bottom because I loved him more than I loved me, and I think that’s the real problem. I told you I had 2 boyfriends until now and it’s true, but in my life I loved 3 persons, and one of them was so … overwhelming, and so intense, and so strong … That I forgot about me. I ignored my values and my principles to be with that person. I always loved more others (and I’m talking about friends too) than myself and once again, I was loving him more than me.

One day, I just woke up, and I told to myself “What the hell is this?”. “Why am I accepting something less than I deserve?”. On that same day, I said it’s over and it was. On that same day, I started to value myself more than anything, I put my standards right where they belonged, so high no one was capable to reach them. No boy, no friend, no one. I can say I can count on one hand the people who really matter to me, and I can say that I don’t complete the 5 fingers of a hand without counting my family. Those are my people, the people I care about the most, my home team, the only ones I love as much as I love myself, nothing more, nothing less. 

It was a smooth transition in a way that I didn’t force it, it just happened overnight, but a painful too because the whole reason of it almost killed me.

10. What helped/helps you overcome challenges?

When I became aware of my value and gained complete self-love, I became so strong, like a bulletproof mind. Now, when I have a challenge and I accept it, I do everything to get it right, but if I don’t it’s okay, I think that people and opportunities always come when you are ready for them, if they don’t come or they don’t go as you wanted, it’s because it was not the right time. I trust this a lot.

11. Looking back at your turning point, what have you learnt from it?

I learned so much, so much that I don't wish that hadn't happened to me. I’m glad it did because it made me grow, it made me a stronger human being, it made me unstoppable. I learned that there is nothing more volatile than people. I learned that you can’t put your life and happiness in the hands of others. I learned that you have to be grateful for whatever comes to you, for everything you have, for your family, for your real friends. I learned not to give credit to negative people nor let them bring me down. But most of all, I learned to love myself and believe in myself at 100%, and this is priceless. 

12. How do you define success?

I don’t believe that success is achieving your goal, I believe that success is how much you expand in the process, and if it makes you really happy, then you are successful. Most people aren’t happy in my industry because success brings a lot of exposure, that leads to judgments, and not a lot of models are ready to deal with that so I think that if you can’t handle being talked about, lied to and disliked, then you’re not ready to be successful in any business. Life is too short to waste any time wondering what other people think about you.

In the first place, if they had better things going on in their lives, they wouldn’t have the time to sit around and talk about you. What’s important to me is not others opinions of me, but my opinion of myself. My advice is for you to develop a strong opinion about yourself so that you don’t accidentally start believing what others say about you.

13. What is your vision of the fashion world and the way it has shaped you?

I think that the fashion industry is already changing for better. They don’t ask for anorexic girls anymore, or at least not as often as before, they gave plus models a place in the industry, they start to value “real women”, and everyday I see the industry becoming more “realistic”, but of course they have much more to do!

I’m not expecting to change the fashion world, I used to say “I don’t made the game, I just play it” and this is true.

If I want to be a model, I have to be skinny, I have to take care of my skin, of my body, I have to go to commercial board at an agency because fashion board is for tall women (which for industry is above 175cm), so I can’t do catwalk because they see me as “too short” for it.

Now you can ask me: You do all of that because you want to be a model? And my answer is: No. I do all of that because I already did it before I became a model. I always loved the skinny type and worked for it even when people said that “big booty and strong legs rule", I always loved to take care of my skin and my body. I don't like to do catwalks so I don’t really mind that the industry doesn’t let me to, unless it’s Victoria’s Secret, every girl dreams about it right? It’s magical! So for me it’s cool, I don’t change my self to be a model, but what I constantly see is girls changing herselves to fit the industry and a lot of times they get sick, they start to consume drugs, they do everything to enter to this world but what’s the point of being anything if it costs your peace? Your dignity? Your health? I think in that case, it’s too expensive.

I wish that people loved themselves more because if they did, they wouldn't allow a lot of situations, they wouldn’t put themselves in bad places so often and they would value their dignity, which is something that unfortunately is underrated nowadays. I personally lost a lot of opportunities because I preferred to stick with my values and dignity than getting that one job … but I don’t see that in others, I’ve seen pacts with the devil so many times … 

15. Through your work, which overall message do you want to pass on to others?

I think that one of the best advices I can give to people is to be the type of person that they would want to meet. Energy is all about reciprocation, if you have positive energy you attract positive things and people. Be kind, but be truly kind, because nowadays everyone claims to be a kind person just because they do something for someone, but if you’re helping someone and expecting something in return, you’re doing business, not kindness.

16. In one sentence in Portuguese, what is your personal slogan and what does it mean to you?

It’s quite difficult to choose just one but I will choose the first that came to my mind and the one I tell people more often: “Tu não vês o mundo como ele é, tu vês o mundo como tu és”, in english it means something like this “You don’t see the world as it is, you see the world as you are”. That quote means a lot to me, because when I started to love myself 100% and be grateful, the world changed in front of my eyes, became more incredible, more magical, more positive. The way you see yourself is the very first step for the way you see others, and this is powerful

Life is a Game
Estimated reading time: 9'

Estimated reading time: 9'

If I had to choose a person in my entourage whose path has impressed me the most, I'd pick Hanine.

Hanine, the guy who, in less than two years...

- Participated in TEDx and other conferences in front of thousands people, but who used to shake in front of his sheet of paper at the board at Uni,

- Trains 3-5x a week and ran a marathon in 4 hours, when he did not understand the point of playing sports a year and a half ago,

- Can go out alone at night and head home with 10 new numbers saved in his phone and make girls fall under his spell with the right one-liners, while upon his first attempts, he was unable to string two words together to a stranger,

This is the guy for whom everything is possible, provided that you see life as a game, don't take things seriously and go full speed.

How did he start his transformation? I asked him directly when I came back to Lille, France, for the holidays.

 

"I did a lot of work on myself when I originally moved from Morocco to France, and I've been a personal-development enthusiast ever since I was 18. I was reading all the books and watching all the videos and documentaries I had at hand.

I wanted to improve my social skills, my EQ and gain self-confidence. I prepared myself before going out for example... The first hits gave me more confidence and it became easier and easier.

Maybe you can now picture me as an extravert or a ladies man, but it has not always been this way :)

The learning process was complex because every time I was working on my social skills, it did not work out in the long run: I was completely dependent on my mood swings. If I had the chance to wake up fresh and energetic, I would work on myself and push myself. On the other hand, if I felt lazy or tired, I would not get anything done.

My energy level was key.

One day, I read one of Tony Robbins books explaining how nutrition can impact your energy levels. It was new for me as I'd only associate healthy food with "weight loss" or "muscle gain", and never thought that it could impact my mental abilities.

At the time I was eating a lot of industrial food. I started each day with 4 or 5 chocolate buns and a soda. Then I'd swallow 5 or 6 coffee cups and vitamin C tablets throughout the day, to try and get those energy levels up... I was looking for supplements to be energetic, without realizing that I was fueling myself with the wrong gas from the start.

That's when I decided to give it a shot and stop eating sugar for a month. No need to take it to the extreme, just one month, to see how it would go.

On the 3rd week, I started to practice sports more intensely. On the 4th week, I started to meditate & stopped watching news.

If I'd describe my life before, I'd go to work, come home, watch a movie and order pizza. On the weekend, I'd get hammered and spend days recovering. If I was depressed during winter, the problem was not just the lack of light, it was also my physiological state. And if I could strengthen it with the proper food, rest and workout, I wouldn't be as impacted by external factors. All of a sudden, after I stopped sugar, I would come home and want to do more meaningful activities.

When I took sugar for the first time again (and I still do, exceptionally), I noticed the switch in my energy and it confirmed that it was the trigger. It gives me a brief peak of energy that then falls back and makes me even more tired during the digestive process.

Think about it.

If I prevent you from sleeping and eating for two days, and I make you watch a masterpiece, say your favorite movie. Are you going to enjoy watching it?

No. Because you aren't physiologically healthy. It's like swimming against the tide.

That's how my 365 days challenge started.

Every day, I'd wake up and think: "what can I do with this excess of energy?"

It wasn't a boost like after a coffee cup, it was a continuous and stable level of energy.

I started googling activities: dance classes, exhibitions, guitar lessons... & eventually gave myself the challenge of doing a new activity each day for a year, and started blogging about it.

People tend to think that the lack of time is the issue. It's not.

I used to waste 25 hours per week watching TV. "I don't have the time" literally means "I don't have the energy". That's the difference between those who have time for their career, friends and family and can be awake for 18 hours, and those who feel like zombies.

If you want to change your situation, see life as a game.

Somebody is likely to have had the same problems as you, so you can look it up. For example, at work: how can you sign more deals? How can you negotiate a raise? Change your perspective and see those obstacles that used to bring you down as fun challenges... That's how I tripled my salary in a year.

In my opinion, the fear of failure is also a fear of losing energy, and it goes back to the basics. You are worried of losing energy if you don't have an unlimited amount of it.

When I look back, I was the first one of my classmates to get an permanent working contract, paid twice the minimal salary, despite being an "immigrant", while others were simply looking for a fixed-term contract, remunerated the bare minimum. It happened because I knew that if I did not find anything, I'd have to leave the country, so I became more creative and staked it all. I accepted rejections and analyzed them to get better. In fact, winning 10% of the time is a huge statistic.

Friends I used to hang out with would say "look at X, he has a Master's degree and is a cashier, I'll never find a rewarding job either..." Those people did not even try and ended up like that too. I did not believe that I was better than anyone else, but I was thinking "they might be right, but I am the producer of my own life". If I got rejected at an interview or with a girl, I'd think "let's rework this and that". I never question myself for who I was and thought "they rejected be because I am Arabic". If you have a limited belief system, you'll limit yourself.

Self-knowledge is probably the best starting point if you want to make changes in your lifestyle.

I see myself as a train that stops at different stations. For instance, if the girl I am attracted to steps on the train, she is the right person for me and this is the right timing, is not, she simply is not and I let go of her, I am not an Uber, i’m not changing my destination, I keep driving until the next station.

The second most difficult part of personal development is acting out. People love to read tips and imagine how their life could be, but once they put their book down, nothing major happens and life goes on at the same pace. I personally have to display originality and creativity on a daily basis, hack my brain so to speak, to be able to take action.

When aiming for personal goals, we usually have plenty of intrinsic motivations, but not enough extrinsic ones that are stimulating (for instance, a boss that will fire you if you do not show up in the morning, competition with your colleagues). So one way to make the process fun  and random is to introduce hazard. At some point of my 365 days-challenge, I put a bunch of ideas in a box and would pick a "mission" to fulfill randomly in the morning. I literally felt like a kid on Christmas Eve!

Also, make sure to have fun. You'll spend more time "on the road", going from point A to B. As long as you have fun on the way, you can go very far, you won't stop at difficulties because you won't be only attached to results. This is what makes the difference between people who give up and those who keep it up.

Finally, prepare for the times you'll be less motivated. I call the doubtful side of me the "little Hanine", and the bolder version of me the "big Hanine"! For example, if I want to wake up early in the morning to work out, I'll prepare my outfit by the bed, socks included, as if I were to prepare items for a four years old. I'll also place my alarm downstairs (I live in a duplex), in case I lose my motivation when 6 AM strikes. Once awake, I'll put my clothes on without even thinking. If you start thinking, that's when you weaken and think: "it's fine, I can miss the gym one time, I'll go tomorrow". 

There's also people who are going to doubt you, or situations that will make you feel like giving up. One thing that boosts me is reading biographies of people I admire, and get inspired by the way they've handled challenges. A good example is Elon Musk, who had to figure out how to pay his employees, in millions of dollars, kept going when everybody thought that he was insane...

I keep on challenging myself every day and am working on an app* to help others do the same, because I truly believe that once you understand how the brain works and start seeing life as a game, anything is possible".

I love the idea of getting outside of our comfort zone to reach our goals. And when looking at Hanine's example, I've understood that it only takes a small step. Wether it is stopping sugar for a month, going to the opera for the first time or saying hello to a stranger, this creates new patterns in our brain that allow us to test new things and get excited rather than scared, and grow. I've actually tattooed a butterfly wing on my wrist that symbolizes just that - the butterfly effect.

Each small step you take may seem insignificant, but it brings you closer to your goals and to a better version of yourself, one wing flap at a time.

There's a quote saying "losers have an objective, winners have systems"... Here are some tips for getting outside of your Comfort Zone successfully:

- Audit your life and find ways to improve your energy levels

- Know yourself

- See life as a game

- Start easy and gradually increase the difficulty

- Act out by implementing various motivational techniques (extrinsic motivators, hazard, planning ahead for weak moments)

- Have fun on the way!

___

*N.B. an app that helps people get outside their comfort zones by sending them daily challenges.

Hanine's blog -> bit.ly/GoodbyeComfortZone

Which challenge are you going to take today to get outside of your comfort zone?