Pamela is a girl that I met back in London. She was one of my clients, back when I had to work as a babysitter and cleaning lady aside to my full-time work, to be able to pay for my expenses.
She had two children and confessed how having the first one impacted her relationship.
“Having a first child, and in our case, twins, is the best moment to have a crisis in your relationship. You don’t have time to go to the gym, you don’t have time for each other…
You cannot surprise your husband at the door with sexy lingerie, spend the weekend at the spa, nor go on a spontaneous escape. You have your routine, you don’t try new things anymore.
So when this colleague approached me and started to flirt and compliment me non-stop, I fell for it.
I had become a mum, and needed to feel desired as a woman.
The first phase: attraction
First step. You idealize the lover. Everything he says, does, his projects sound perfect.
You think that if you are attracted and start having feelings for somebody else, you cannot turn back, and that your husband is not the right one for you, because what you get at home is not enough, since the new guy gives you something new that your husband doesn’t. Compliments. Attentions. Gifts.
You contemplate leaving him. This guy in question was a serial-lover. He had had conquests from 18 to 50 years-old. He knew exactly what he was doing, and how to do it.
He was an expert in seduction. He was well-dressed, cultivated, charming, mature, straightforward… A real Christian Grey.
The second phase: disgust
The honeymoon phase starts fading and you see the lover’s true colors. You understand you were blinded.
In my case, that guy was egoistic, and after 6 months, I started to see that. He had no problem fucking me, but if I would leave everything behind for him, he would not want to take the responsibility and he would let me deal with the mess alone. It would be convenient so that he could see me more often, but he would not be a support...
While I was crying every day, devastated because he was messing up with my head and I had no perspective of the future, he would be whistling around, feeling grateful for the moment we had had, and for having seduced a girl almost half his age.
I was an emotional wreck, and all he had to say was “don’t worry it’s gonna be fine”.
He would meet other girls and tell me about it. Not to make me jealous, rather to make it clear that there would be nothing “serious” between us.
To protect myself, I kept thinking “do not react in the heat of the moment”. Every single thing I do is thought-through. I never take any decision that could be a turning point hot-minded. I'd rather leave the room, wait, one, two days, breathe, have a good cry, meditate, think…
I understand where he was coming from though. He had been married. He had had a lot of relationships. He wanted to feel free and was afraid of the routine and commitment. But that’s not was I was looking for. I wouldn’t leave everything I had for something haphazardly, and I understood that I would lose so much more than I would gain if I went down that road.
Also, even though I was fantasizing about him, and I was feeling waves in my body when he was around, when he finally kissed me, it felt wrong.
I got disappointed and though: “don't you see that you're jumping into something that you're not even going to enjoy?!”.
It broke the spell.
When you kiss your husband and have your way, you know what each other likes after ten years, it is hard to find this somewhere else. Same with love in general, my husband knows me by heart, and we just clicked from the beginning.
Once, I told him to tease him that someone else had admitted his feelings for me. He said” nobody will love you like I do”. At the time, I thought “yeah, right”, but afterwards I figured it was true.
The last time I met the guy at his place, I thought “I’d rather be home right now”, as things were starting to settle back from my side.
And that’s how I knew it was over.
Now when I cross path with him and I have to hug him, I feel completely neutral. It’s over.
The third phase: switching focus
Just like he used me for instant gratification, I used him for the lesson he had taught me.
He was complimenting me all the time, boosting my self-esteem.
I felt more desired and it started to impact my relationship with my husband. I started to feel more dary, more sexual, at ease. I broke down my barriers, physically with my man.
I’ve always been an adventurer, while my husband had a more traditional education. Especially after we had our first child, he could not combine "the mother and the whore". So, I had to take things a step further to feel sexually fulfilled, especially approaching 30, when you are reaching your sexual peak. I needed that.
This little adventure, I did it for me, not against anyone.
But at that stage in my life, I did not want my children to blame me later on for not having tried harder. For having destroyed their lives before giving my marriage a proper shot. So, I did everything I could to make it work, and it did. It brought us closer.
Funnily enough, Christian (the lover), had told me right from the beginning that our little affair could actually save my relationship, because it had happened with other women. At the time, it sounded silly...
Of course, I don’t know what will happen in the future, maybe one day I will freak out and feel unsatisfied again. But right now, I am happy.
And I will always remember that lesson, of that time when I had doubts and managed to pick myself up.
And even if I suffered, I do not regret anything. Because he taught me so much, he changed me for the better, and it changed my relationship. Because sexuality is the strongest bond in a relationship.
Some people say: "you need to leave before you cheat". I disagree. I don’t think it's worth ruining your life for a stupid side-story, to end up disappointed. I think that faithfulness is also coming back. And I also think that we shall keep our secret garden, there is no point in breaking someone’s heart to ease one’s conscience. Our secrets “make” who we are".
Patricia is the first person I met who managed to use her desire for somebody else, to bring passion back to her relationship with her husband.
A lot of people don’t try hard enough and that’s why there are so many divorces. But if you believe that you are with the love of your life and that there is still a chance, do everything to save that. Give 200%, try anything, it is never over.
Just like a businesswoman: did you try everything to not let the company go bankrupt?
If you want things to change, you need to pay attention to things that your husband or boyfriend complains about, and change yourself instead of expecting him to do the work (and the other way around, obviously).
Some men do not communicate, they are just in a bad mood, and we have no idea of what we do wrong. You’re always alone in life. Even if you are in a couple. Don’t count on anybody. If you want things to change, change them, and be determined. And you need to be two to tango, so the other person needs to be responsive.